Hello guys! Im very sorry. Just many things happened this time. School, summer vacations and doing stuff at home... I was pretty busy. But im gonna enjoy my diary, and share my thoughts with you. 
Ok, long time havent been there. For really long time, but better to start now then never again. Ive been writing before, about my bf a little. Well. Seriosly, we've met eachother on Skype about 3 years ago in 30th of march. We both were very young. We became friends. He lives faaar away from me. And its not that easy, to keep such a feeling, when it breaks by itself sometimes. 
Nikolai, because thats his name... is a very nice guy, have good heart and care about me. BUT, since last year, we seems to hate eachother. It feels like i was 'too nice' for him ,and generally i think he didnt worry that i can ever say i want leave him because i love him to death and i would never leave him probably. (I would, if i would see him with another girl)... thats logical. Anyways, thats a huge reason why me and him, were fighting so much. Im very jealous, because i care. But its not only jealous about girls. 
(especially his friends) ,its also that they can see him, and hear. I fuc**ng cant. 
It sucks.
Yesterday i pleased him after a year, that i cant handle this war anymore. I pleased him to take time, and listen. He was listening. He understood and felt like an idiot. I also did, but in different meaning. Like a person, who was explaining that for so long and couldnt explain that this good untill now. But like i said before, better now than never. 
Im pissed off everytime he leave me because of stupid things. Like football. He plays it since 12 or something. I understand its his hobby but he isnt a kid anymore! It takes more and more time every year. He wants to share his time with huge dog that needs so much time, with me and friends. Its not possible to have all. Plus, he needs to study. What gives a result ,a little time for me. And he gets mad everytime i remind him that. But ffs... we have brains and we should use them! He shouldnt be wondering why im so mad. Everyone would be, if his bf/gf would be saying NO to you all so often. It feels like no matter how many times you say PLEASE ... he ignore it. You feel like meanless person, not loved. Sometimes i worry he forget about me ,when he go off the pc... and its the only way we have contact with eachother. My friend scares me he have seen him at school with a girl. I got almost heart attack. I HATE when he yells at me. (and i hate some girls that seems to be bi!@#$%, say that you wouldnt care ill say ur 
) lol. But,i hate even more when he doesnt understand and yell. When we fight ,have conflict, its easy to understand. We have different opinions = we stand on two different sides = war or just neighbours. We should work together and be honest with eachother... I HOPE HE UNDERSTOOD ALL I SAID LAST EVENING... 
I hope he still feel something to me and dont think im such a bi!@# ... If so, then i wanna hear it. (like i said...being honest...) 
I remember how first year was cool. We never had this big conflicts, all was better and even football didnt bother me much.
So it says clear, there is a point what changed him. Too bad, he doesnt see it... (i hope he did...)
I always loved him ,i am and i will for his personality (that changed for worse last months ,but i do my best to have it back) ,and i love his kind eyes, soft hair... and even though he thinks he is ugly, short and fat... i cant imagine him different. He can think he is ugly, i will never say that because... we should be honest!
As always, knight should fight for his lady, not lady for knight.
I hope all will be ok. Or no... GREAT, because we are so young still!
Nikolai is mad at me, that i say i dont trust him and i dont believe him when he say I LOVE YOU... but guys, dont you agree without a proove its hard to believe? 
And to you now Nick,
I never mean to hurt you, i want you to be like now. Keep on working, dont kill whats growing now back. Little seed of love almost died, but you filled it up with hope and it is strong enought to survive. You're great, stay great...
Love forever,
Your Caroline.
Id love to see comments!
